I feel this soul crushing sadness. I don’t know why. Yeah, I’m fighting with my wife, but the emotional temperature has cooled since the original days. It’s not that.
It’s so heavy I can’t lift my head.
I’ve always been the type to attack a problem and hammer everything out, nice and neat. You don’t want to talk? Too bad. it needs to be talked about. Yet, I’ve been sitting in this chair for days trying to figure out what is going on in my head with no success. My head hurts. My back hurts. My ass hurts. I cannot figure out this feeling. Was I triggered? No idea. I’ve gone over and over what I can remember. Nothing stands out to me that falls within my taboo categories. I’m crying and I don’t know why. I feel rage, and I don’t know where it’s coming from. I scream ” LEAVE ME ALONE”, but I don’t want to be left alone. I want someone to take this from me. I want comfort. I have to find a way to comfort myself. Do I still have thoughts of leaving this place? Yes, absolutely. It’s the thing I think after the comma in every declaration I make whether that be here, or in my head. I hate feeling this way. I hate not being able to get my feet under me.
I tried to eat last night, because I can’t stand the disapproving and disappointed looks I get, but I could only get down a bit of soup. It made me so sick. I felt like I had a chunk of something stuck in my throat for hours afterward. I’ve done this before, this no eating thing, but I’ve never felt this way trying to climb out of the hole. I’m confused about that, and a bit scared. I understand I have to eat to live, but what happens when the lack of want to live outweighs the realization that ” you have people who depend on you”?
That bugs me. It really, really bothers me. I can’t see past the nose on my face right now, but I’m expected to put everyone else’s wants and needs before my own. Yeah, suicide is selfish. Of course it is. It’s so much more selfish than the people around you telling you to suck it up and get your fucking big girl panties on and take one for the team – fuck how you feel, amirite?
It’s like I was only born into this world to be of service to others. I’m like an automaton, and I’m not supposed to have these feelings. If I do, I am not fulfilling my primary function for servitude.
” your daughter needs you” – yeah, she’d be better off without me. How much damage do I do to her psyche when she sees me like this?
” you wife needs you” – no, she really doesn’t she got on without me before i came along, and my own baggage has complicated her life to the boiling point.
” you parents need you” – really? I gave them what they wanted – grandchildren, so I guess the old adage of “nothing more than an incubator” fits here.
” your friends need you” – um…what friends would those be? I have no friends. Not a pity ploy. I really have no friends.
I think my cat would be upset, but she’ll get over it.